I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
