Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
