you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
