if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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