I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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