Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
i out mim tonsoeep
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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