i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
