3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
