I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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