you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
