I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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