What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
