saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Buhtt sex?
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
