i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
