her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
