dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
