I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
