I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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