Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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