im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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