u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
