smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
