life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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