why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
It's blow job season.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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