I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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