Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
