His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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