I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
