Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
