one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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