Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
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