How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
