My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Randomize
