dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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