fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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