They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
