My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
