My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Randomize
