They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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