I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
