I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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