im six kinds of drunk right now
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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