I'm lost and stupid without you.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
