i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
