I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
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