Come see our sink grown plant.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
