Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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