i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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