I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
