And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
