you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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