So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
